[ She'd be more surprised if it didn't scare him. As much as she likes to think she knows him, she also knows he's got incredibly strong, impenetrable walls up around him. That he even admits this... it means more than she can ever say. ]
If it were easy, they wouldn't be secrets. [ She shifts closer and touches her forehead to his. ] That is why... I'll be patient. I will not force you to share anything until you're ready.
[he doesn't deserve any of this, nor does he deserve her, or her kindness. which only scares him more about opening up. if he drove Mira away... it would destroy him. but... Dohalim wouldn't be surprised.
leaning in, he tucks his head under Mira's chin, taking solace in the warmth]
I... Hurt-- Killed a very dear friend of mine. [he might as well not beat around the bush. it wouldn't be fair to hide or sugarcoat details when Mira is graciously letting him unload his traumas. but he holds his breath, expecting Mira to push him away]
[ Mira holds him close and runs her fingers through his hair. If he's expecting her to push him away... well, he's very much in for a surprise. Her breath catches, just softly.
But she doesn't pull away. She doesn't feel disgust, or fear. She holds him closer, burying her face in his hair. If she had chosen to reject him because of that... she'd be a terrible hypocrite. Dohalim isn't the only one with hands drenched in a friend's blood. ]
... It's a terrible thing to carry around, [ she finally says.
She's glad he can't see her face, because she imagines she must look like a mess. ]
[Dohalim is, indeed, surprised to hear Mira say that, but even more so when she doesn't run for the door. how could she be okay with this? it makes no sense. sure, Mira's done her duty to protect Dohalim, struck down enemies that threatened his safety, and in kind, he has done the same, but...
he might as well keep going]
We had to fight for the lordship. Antiquated traditions called for it, and we were both in direct line to take it. I did not want to fight, nor did I want the title. But I was made to... And in the end...
[ Her heart aches for him. Mira bites her lip. He hadn't wanted any of it. She wonders just how painful it is to be addressed as a lord, to look at himself in the mirror every day... ]
... Dohalim...
[ She runs her fingers through his hair, again and again. If she's shaking just slightly, well... ]
In the end... you were put in a position you never wanted.
[most of the time, Dohalim can ignore the intrusive thoughts that seek to remind him of what he's done in favour of his duties. after all, if he were to shirk them, then he'd be doing the memory of his friend a disservice.
but then again, maybe ignoring it wasn't the best course of action.
Dohalim can feel her quivering hand; he pulls his head back to look at Mira, as if searching for something in her eyes]
I never wanted it. But it isn't like I could relinquish my role, if I had the chance.
[ There's a deep, terrible sadness in her eyes when he looks at her. Mira gently places both hands against his cheeks, cradling his face. He's precious, and to know the depth of his suffering...
She touches her forehead to his. ]
You're a good man, Dohalim. It may not feel that way... but I truly believe it. You've been so kind to me. Your people love you.
Whatever pain still lingers in your heart... this hasn't changed my resolve to help you bear it.
[ She sits up, too, and shifts close to him. She rests her head against his upper back. ]
... If you killed him for any other reason, I would see that as far more of a sin. [ She bites her lip. ] ... It is a terrible feeling... to take a friend's life... even if you have no other choice.
[Dohalim shakes his head, only holding onto himself tighter. the memories of that day come flooding back in a flash; his friend's lifeless body in a growing pool of blood, his fiancee screaming, his own cries--]
I should have died, Mira! It should have been me!
[any shred of restraint he had on his emotions dissolves as he hunches over, pulling himself away from Mira. the admission leaves him silent and shaking, and all he wants is to be alone, to wither away without a second thought]
How could she? She knows the feeling. She knows what it's like, to strike a friend down. To have no choice. Mira has carried the weight of deaths that should have never happened--that happened because of her. Her brother, struck down by someone she loved.
That same person, life cut short by her own hand. ]
It feels like you will never be able to atone, [ she says softly. Mira feels raw, the cage around her guilt cracked open, smashed to dust. Her voice carries that pain. ] Like your life ended the day theirs did.
[ There's more she'd like to say, but-- it gets caught in her throat, her pain all jumbled up and twisted around her heart. ]
[Dohalim listens carefully to Mira’s words, tilting his head a little to look over his shoulder at her]
I don’t... Deserve any of this. I don’t deserve to live.
[it’s an admission he’s never said out loud before; it tears down all of the walls he’s put up to protect himself and everyone else from the truth. How could he be a compassionate ruler, how could he say he cares for his people when one of the people he should have been protecting is dead?]
[ She's already made up her mind, but she wants to respect his concern. He more than deserves that, after all. It means so, so much to her, too, that he wants her to be sure. So--she takes the time to think it through.
It all ends with the same conclusion--that she wants to take this step and give herself to him in every way she can. ]
I do. [ She kisses his cheek, then pulls back. When she meets his eyes, her expression is gently resolute. Behind that, though, there's desire. ] I want this. I want you.
[seeing that desire in her eyes and hearing her words, Peony says nothing, but moves to scoop Mira up and move her to his lap. that's all the confirmation he needs. he leans back in, not to kiss her, but to gently nip at her neck. gentle enough not to leave any marks; no he couldn't have that. the gala is still going on, after all, and he wouldn't want to embarrass Mira like that.
but a part of him just wants to whisk Mira away to his chambers, without the worry of the party goers, without the worry of the disapproving looks of both the female guests vying for his attention, or the councilmen. hell, if the garden was closed off to anyone else, he'd take her there. something about the romance of making love under the moonlight and stars.
but, of course, he doesn't. not yet, at least. they, unfortunately, must wait. though, that doesn't stop Peony from pulling Mira closer, arms wrapped firmly around her waist as he leaves a trail of nips and kisses along her neck, ever careful not to leave even the smallest blemish on her skin]
[ Whatever she's expecting, it isn't this--but maybe she should've, considering. She slides her arms around his neck, and when his lips touch her neck, she lets out a soft gasp. There's something very sensual about this, about being under the stars and feeling his mouth work at her neck. She runs her fingers through his hair, tilting her head to offer him more of her neck.
It's only a taste of what's waiting once they retire to his chambers, but it's so incredibly good. Her toes curl, chest rising and falling quicker with every moment he lavishes attention against her neck. ]
[hearing the gasp only makes Peony grin against her neck as he trails even more of those teasing nips and kisses. a hand slowly slides up Mira's back, as he lets his fingers tease the exposed skin right above her dress; to say he's experienced in making his liaisons feel good is an understatement.
but he wants Mira to feel more than good. and damn that party... but that doesn't stop him from moving his lips down to her collarbone. he wants to hear more of those gasps, those small sounds]
[ Really, he's just making her imagine what he can do with his mouth in other places. Maybe that's one of his intentions; it's certainly working, if so. She's had plenty of partners through the years, but it's never been this intense--and they aren't even doing much.
Well. She isn't, but Peony is spoiling her already. She isn't about to just take, though. The hand in his hair tightens just slightly, testing out how he likes that. She brushes her lips against his ear, letting out more of those gasps. Usually, she's very patient, but Peony is absolutely testing that. ]
[at the slight tug of his hair, Peony lets out a soft sound, which was pleasing enough already, but hearing more of those gasps are almost enough to drive him crazy. to make her feel good with just simple touches, and to hear her feel good... it only makes him want to continue]
We should... We should stop...
[stop, he says, as he continues, pulling Mira ever closer to him. they really need to stop, before they're both at the point of no return...]
[much to his dismay. Peony's lucky to already have greeted the more prominent and prestige guests at the gala, not wanting to putz around and wait for their convenience for him to talk to them. maybe he can somehow cut the party short... or convene to his chambers while the court entertain themselves. his galas always did go on to the early hours of the morning, even without his presence, after all...]
[the nip as well as her soft voice pulls a shiver from Peony's core, an it takes so much not to forego any propriety and ravish Mira. what a little minx]
Are you tempting your emperor to abandon his duties for the night?
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dohalim
hurt/comfort.
[ She'd be more surprised if it didn't scare him. As much as she likes to think she knows him, she also knows he's got incredibly strong, impenetrable walls up around him. That he even admits this... it means more than she can ever say. ]
If it were easy, they wouldn't be secrets. [ She shifts closer and touches her forehead to his. ] That is why... I'll be patient. I will not force you to share anything until you're ready.
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leaning in, he tucks his head under Mira's chin, taking solace in the warmth]
I... Hurt-- Killed a very dear friend of mine. [he might as well not beat around the bush. it wouldn't be fair to hide or sugarcoat details when Mira is graciously letting him unload his traumas. but he holds his breath, expecting Mira to push him away]
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But she doesn't pull away. She doesn't feel disgust, or fear. She holds him closer, burying her face in his hair. If she had chosen to reject him because of that... she'd be a terrible hypocrite. Dohalim isn't the only one with hands drenched in a friend's blood. ]
... It's a terrible thing to carry around, [ she finally says.
She's glad he can't see her face, because she imagines she must look like a mess. ]
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he might as well keep going]
We had to fight for the lordship. Antiquated traditions called for it, and we were both in direct line to take it. I did not want to fight, nor did I want the title. But I was made to... And in the end...
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... Dohalim...
[ She runs her fingers through his hair, again and again. If she's shaking just slightly, well... ]
In the end... you were put in a position you never wanted.
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but then again, maybe ignoring it wasn't the best course of action.
Dohalim can feel her quivering hand; he pulls his head back to look at Mira, as if searching for something in her eyes]
I never wanted it. But it isn't like I could relinquish my role, if I had the chance.
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She touches her forehead to his. ]
You're a good man, Dohalim. It may not feel that way... but I truly believe it. You've been so kind to me. Your people love you.
Whatever pain still lingers in your heart... this hasn't changed my resolve to help you bear it.
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[Dohalim slowly reaches up to gently take Mira's hands off him before he sits up. wrapping his arms around himself, he shifts away from Mira]
I killed a friend out of self-preservation. I did not want to kill him... But I was too much of a coward to die.
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... If you killed him for any other reason, I would see that as far more of a sin. [ She bites her lip. ] ... It is a terrible feeling... to take a friend's life... even if you have no other choice.
But I-- I don't think you are a coward at all.
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I should have died, Mira! It should have been me!
[any shred of restraint he had on his emotions dissolves as he hunches over, pulling himself away from Mira. the admission leaves him silent and shaking, and all he wants is to be alone, to wither away without a second thought]
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How could she? She knows the feeling. She knows what it's like, to strike a friend down. To have no choice. Mira has carried the weight of deaths that should have never happened--that happened because of her. Her brother, struck down by someone she loved.
That same person, life cut short by her own hand. ]
It feels like you will never be able to atone, [ she says softly. Mira feels raw, the cage around her guilt cracked open, smashed to dust. Her voice carries that pain. ] Like your life ended the day theirs did.
[ There's more she'd like to say, but-- it gets caught in her throat, her pain all jumbled up and twisted around her heart. ]
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I don’t... Deserve any of this. I don’t deserve to live.
[it’s an admission he’s never said out loud before; it tears down all of the walls he’s put up to protect himself and everyone else from the truth. How could he be a compassionate ruler, how could he say he cares for his people when one of the people he should have been protecting is dead?]
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peony
gala.
[ She's already made up her mind, but she wants to respect his concern. He more than deserves that, after all. It means so, so much to her, too, that he wants her to be sure. So--she takes the time to think it through.
It all ends with the same conclusion--that she wants to take this step and give herself to him in every way she can. ]
I do. [ She kisses his cheek, then pulls back. When she meets his eyes, her expression is gently resolute. Behind that, though, there's desire. ] I want this. I want you.
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but a part of him just wants to whisk Mira away to his chambers, without the worry of the party goers, without the worry of the disapproving looks of both the female guests vying for his attention, or the councilmen. hell, if the garden was closed off to anyone else, he'd take her there. something about the romance of making love under the moonlight and stars.
but, of course, he doesn't. not yet, at least. they, unfortunately, must wait. though, that doesn't stop Peony from pulling Mira closer, arms wrapped firmly around her waist as he leaves a trail of nips and kisses along her neck, ever careful not to leave even the smallest blemish on her skin]
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It's only a taste of what's waiting once they retire to his chambers, but it's so incredibly good. Her toes curl, chest rising and falling quicker with every moment he lavishes attention against her neck. ]
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but he wants Mira to feel more than good. and damn that party... but that doesn't stop him from moving his lips down to her collarbone. he wants to hear more of those gasps, those small sounds]
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Well. She isn't, but Peony is spoiling her already. She isn't about to just take, though. The hand in his hair tightens just slightly, testing out how he likes that. She brushes her lips against his ear, letting out more of those gasps. Usually, she's very patient, but Peony is absolutely testing that. ]
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We should... We should stop...
[stop, he says, as he continues, pulling Mira ever closer to him. they really need to stop, before they're both at the point of no return...]
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... How much longer until we can retire to your chambers?
[ It's taking everything in her to hold back, but if it's necessary... ]
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[much to his dismay. Peony's lucky to already have greeted the more prominent and prestige guests at the gala, not wanting to putz around and wait for their convenience for him to talk to them. maybe he can somehow cut the party short... or convene to his chambers while the court entertain themselves. his galas always did go on to the early hours of the morning, even without his presence, after all...]
I wonder if we could just disappear.
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Mira presses her lips to his, brief and soft. She kisses along his jaw, his neck, then to his ear. And softly, after she nips at his ear-- ]
Take me away from here. I want to be alone with you.
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Are you tempting your emperor to abandon his duties for the night?
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But she wants to. Mira pulls back, looking into his eyes. ]
You're only half right. I'm tempting the man I'm in love with. I've already given him my heart. All that's left is to give him everything else.
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