[he doesn't deserve any of this, nor does he deserve her, or her kindness. which only scares him more about opening up. if he drove Mira away... it would destroy him. but... Dohalim wouldn't be surprised.
leaning in, he tucks his head under Mira's chin, taking solace in the warmth]
I... Hurt-- Killed a very dear friend of mine. [he might as well not beat around the bush. it wouldn't be fair to hide or sugarcoat details when Mira is graciously letting him unload his traumas. but he holds his breath, expecting Mira to push him away]
[ Mira holds him close and runs her fingers through his hair. If he's expecting her to push him away... well, he's very much in for a surprise. Her breath catches, just softly.
But she doesn't pull away. She doesn't feel disgust, or fear. She holds him closer, burying her face in his hair. If she had chosen to reject him because of that... she'd be a terrible hypocrite. Dohalim isn't the only one with hands drenched in a friend's blood. ]
... It's a terrible thing to carry around, [ she finally says.
She's glad he can't see her face, because she imagines she must look like a mess. ]
[Dohalim is, indeed, surprised to hear Mira say that, but even more so when she doesn't run for the door. how could she be okay with this? it makes no sense. sure, Mira's done her duty to protect Dohalim, struck down enemies that threatened his safety, and in kind, he has done the same, but...
he might as well keep going]
We had to fight for the lordship. Antiquated traditions called for it, and we were both in direct line to take it. I did not want to fight, nor did I want the title. But I was made to... And in the end...
[ Her heart aches for him. Mira bites her lip. He hadn't wanted any of it. She wonders just how painful it is to be addressed as a lord, to look at himself in the mirror every day... ]
... Dohalim...
[ She runs her fingers through his hair, again and again. If she's shaking just slightly, well... ]
In the end... you were put in a position you never wanted.
[most of the time, Dohalim can ignore the intrusive thoughts that seek to remind him of what he's done in favour of his duties. after all, if he were to shirk them, then he'd be doing the memory of his friend a disservice.
but then again, maybe ignoring it wasn't the best course of action.
Dohalim can feel her quivering hand; he pulls his head back to look at Mira, as if searching for something in her eyes]
I never wanted it. But it isn't like I could relinquish my role, if I had the chance.
[ There's a deep, terrible sadness in her eyes when he looks at her. Mira gently places both hands against his cheeks, cradling his face. He's precious, and to know the depth of his suffering...
She touches her forehead to his. ]
You're a good man, Dohalim. It may not feel that way... but I truly believe it. You've been so kind to me. Your people love you.
Whatever pain still lingers in your heart... this hasn't changed my resolve to help you bear it.
[ She sits up, too, and shifts close to him. She rests her head against his upper back. ]
... If you killed him for any other reason, I would see that as far more of a sin. [ She bites her lip. ] ... It is a terrible feeling... to take a friend's life... even if you have no other choice.
[Dohalim shakes his head, only holding onto himself tighter. the memories of that day come flooding back in a flash; his friend's lifeless body in a growing pool of blood, his fiancee screaming, his own cries--]
I should have died, Mira! It should have been me!
[any shred of restraint he had on his emotions dissolves as he hunches over, pulling himself away from Mira. the admission leaves him silent and shaking, and all he wants is to be alone, to wither away without a second thought]
How could she? She knows the feeling. She knows what it's like, to strike a friend down. To have no choice. Mira has carried the weight of deaths that should have never happened--that happened because of her. Her brother, struck down by someone she loved.
That same person, life cut short by her own hand. ]
It feels like you will never be able to atone, [ she says softly. Mira feels raw, the cage around her guilt cracked open, smashed to dust. Her voice carries that pain. ] Like your life ended the day theirs did.
[ There's more she'd like to say, but-- it gets caught in her throat, her pain all jumbled up and twisted around her heart. ]
[Dohalim listens carefully to Mira’s words, tilting his head a little to look over his shoulder at her]
I don’t... Deserve any of this. I don’t deserve to live.
[it’s an admission he’s never said out loud before; it tears down all of the walls he’s put up to protect himself and everyone else from the truth. How could he be a compassionate ruler, how could he say he cares for his people when one of the people he should have been protecting is dead?]
She knows telling him that he does deserve to live won't do anything when he's so overwhelmed with his self-loathing. She knows, because she understands; she's felt it. She still does, some days. For a while, she gazes at him, searching his face. ]
... Then... find a reason to make up for what you have done. It's not easy to find a way to atone. But if you can find a reason to live, then--
[ Mira swallows hard and looks away from him. She loves him, yes... but some things are still difficult. If she's ever been this openly vulnerable with someone, she can't remember when. ]
... You... gave me a reason. Protecting you, helping your people... When I was at my worst, you-- You gave me something irreplaceable.
[ She looks back to him and takes a breath. ]
If you would allow it... I would like to do the same for you. No matter how long it takes... I will be there with you, as long as you want me there.
[Dohalim considers Mira's words, only feeling worse when she admits her own pains sorrows. how could he be like this when there were other people who were feeling the same, if not worse? and for Mira to say these things and still dedicate her life to supporting him...]
Surely, you must be saying that because of your duties.
[Dohalim's voice is unbelieving, soft, and dejected. to have someone that close to him, that dedicated to him... he's never had it.
after all, when he killed Tarnigen, he was pushed away]
[before Dohalim realises what's happening, Mira's in front of him, holding onto him, kissing him. all he can do is gasp softly, but he doesn't move to kiss her back just yet.
instead, he reaches up to take Mira's shoulders, with every intention of pushing her away, but... he doesn't. no, instead, he pulls her closer to him, his hold almost desperate, as if she'll suddenly pull away]
[ For a few terrifying moments, she thinks he's going to push her away, reject her.
But then he pulls her close, and Mira lets out a small, relieved sound against his mouth. It's not her first kiss, but it's the first to make her feel like this. Dohalim's lips are soft and warm, and he holds her like if she pulls away, it'll break something in him. She doesn't pull away. She can't bring herself to. Instead, she slides her arms around his neck and relaxes against him, eyes sliding shut as she deepens it just a bit more. ]
[Dohalim watches Mira for a moment or two more, before letting his eyes slip closed, mostly in favour of stopping his eyes from burning as emotions are dredged up.
sliding his hands around to her back, Dohalim slowly leans back, gently pulling Mira along with him as he lays back down on his bed, careful not to break the kiss. he can feel her hair curtain his face, the short ends gently brushing against his face.
when they eventually do break, he looks up at her, breathing a little heavier as he tries to catch his breath]
[ She goes with him, heart pounding as she kisses him. It doesn't feel real; Mira thinks she must be dreaming. She doesn't push it any further than she thinks she can, and when he pulls away, she touches her forehead to his. ]
... Because I love you.
[ She looks at him, cupping his cheek with one hand. ]
I care about you. You're important to me, Dohalim. That's why I refuse to leave. It isn't because of my duty. If it were just that... I would not be here.
[ She can't lie to him. Mira's a terrible liar anyway, but-- she doesn't even want to try. How can she put it all into words? How can she explain the depth of her feelings for him, when they well up and threaten to overwhelm her?
Well. She wants to try. ]
... From the very beginning, you have been nothing but kind to me. You gave me a chance when I felt like I had nothing. You've trusted me to keep you safe. I have not-- I have never been trusted like that.
[ Her brother--he'd trusted her, yes. But not like this. ]
... You make me happy. [ She fights down the urge to hide her face. ] And when I think about the future, you are always there, next to me. Even if I am only your aide, then... it is enough for me. As long as I can stay by your side... I will be happy.
[Dohalim searches Mira's eyes once more, desperately trying to see if there was any lie to her words. he isn't sure why he wanted to find it; maybe he was scared of letting someone close to him again? he always did hurt the ones closest to him, after all... Mira is too precious, and it would devastate him if she got hurt again because of him.
but he still doesn't pull away. no, he leans in, pressing his forehead against her shoulder, before letting out a shuddering breath. he doesn't deserve any of this. he deserves a life of solitude for what he's done, he deserves to be alone for his transgressions he's committed.
and yet, the thought of being truly, utterly alone terrifies him even more, as he clings to Mira]
[ She holds onto him, because she knows what it's like to be scared. Mira tucks his head under her chin, a hand buried in his hair. Her other traces gentle patterns against his back. If he wants to let go, she'll be here to hold him together.
If not-- that's okay, too. ]
I'm here, [ she murmurs, holding him just a little tighter. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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leaning in, he tucks his head under Mira's chin, taking solace in the warmth]
I... Hurt-- Killed a very dear friend of mine. [he might as well not beat around the bush. it wouldn't be fair to hide or sugarcoat details when Mira is graciously letting him unload his traumas. but he holds his breath, expecting Mira to push him away]
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But she doesn't pull away. She doesn't feel disgust, or fear. She holds him closer, burying her face in his hair. If she had chosen to reject him because of that... she'd be a terrible hypocrite. Dohalim isn't the only one with hands drenched in a friend's blood. ]
... It's a terrible thing to carry around, [ she finally says.
She's glad he can't see her face, because she imagines she must look like a mess. ]
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he might as well keep going]
We had to fight for the lordship. Antiquated traditions called for it, and we were both in direct line to take it. I did not want to fight, nor did I want the title. But I was made to... And in the end...
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... Dohalim...
[ She runs her fingers through his hair, again and again. If she's shaking just slightly, well... ]
In the end... you were put in a position you never wanted.
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but then again, maybe ignoring it wasn't the best course of action.
Dohalim can feel her quivering hand; he pulls his head back to look at Mira, as if searching for something in her eyes]
I never wanted it. But it isn't like I could relinquish my role, if I had the chance.
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She touches her forehead to his. ]
You're a good man, Dohalim. It may not feel that way... but I truly believe it. You've been so kind to me. Your people love you.
Whatever pain still lingers in your heart... this hasn't changed my resolve to help you bear it.
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[Dohalim slowly reaches up to gently take Mira's hands off him before he sits up. wrapping his arms around himself, he shifts away from Mira]
I killed a friend out of self-preservation. I did not want to kill him... But I was too much of a coward to die.
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... If you killed him for any other reason, I would see that as far more of a sin. [ She bites her lip. ] ... It is a terrible feeling... to take a friend's life... even if you have no other choice.
But I-- I don't think you are a coward at all.
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I should have died, Mira! It should have been me!
[any shred of restraint he had on his emotions dissolves as he hunches over, pulling himself away from Mira. the admission leaves him silent and shaking, and all he wants is to be alone, to wither away without a second thought]
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How could she? She knows the feeling. She knows what it's like, to strike a friend down. To have no choice. Mira has carried the weight of deaths that should have never happened--that happened because of her. Her brother, struck down by someone she loved.
That same person, life cut short by her own hand. ]
It feels like you will never be able to atone, [ she says softly. Mira feels raw, the cage around her guilt cracked open, smashed to dust. Her voice carries that pain. ] Like your life ended the day theirs did.
[ There's more she'd like to say, but-- it gets caught in her throat, her pain all jumbled up and twisted around her heart. ]
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I don’t... Deserve any of this. I don’t deserve to live.
[it’s an admission he’s never said out loud before; it tears down all of the walls he’s put up to protect himself and everyone else from the truth. How could he be a compassionate ruler, how could he say he cares for his people when one of the people he should have been protecting is dead?]
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She knows telling him that he does deserve to live won't do anything when he's so overwhelmed with his self-loathing. She knows, because she understands; she's felt it. She still does, some days. For a while, she gazes at him, searching his face. ]
... Then... find a reason to make up for what you have done. It's not easy to find a way to atone. But if you can find a reason to live, then--
[ Mira swallows hard and looks away from him. She loves him, yes... but some things are still difficult. If she's ever been this openly vulnerable with someone, she can't remember when. ]
... You... gave me a reason. Protecting you, helping your people... When I was at my worst, you-- You gave me something irreplaceable.
[ She looks back to him and takes a breath. ]
If you would allow it... I would like to do the same for you. No matter how long it takes... I will be there with you, as long as you want me there.
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Surely, you must be saying that because of your duties.
[Dohalim's voice is unbelieving, soft, and dejected. to have someone that close to him, that dedicated to him... he's never had it.
after all, when he killed Tarnigen, he was pushed away]
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So she moves. Mira shifts to kneel in front of him. Before she can stop herself, she gently cradles his face and leans in, pressing her lips to his. ]
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instead, he reaches up to take Mira's shoulders, with every intention of pushing her away, but... he doesn't. no, instead, he pulls her closer to him, his hold almost desperate, as if she'll suddenly pull away]
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But then he pulls her close, and Mira lets out a small, relieved sound against his mouth. It's not her first kiss, but it's the first to make her feel like this. Dohalim's lips are soft and warm, and he holds her like if she pulls away, it'll break something in him. She doesn't pull away. She can't bring herself to. Instead, she slides her arms around his neck and relaxes against him, eyes sliding shut as she deepens it just a bit more. ]
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sliding his hands around to her back, Dohalim slowly leans back, gently pulling Mira along with him as he lays back down on his bed, careful not to break the kiss. he can feel her hair curtain his face, the short ends gently brushing against his face.
when they eventually do break, he looks up at her, breathing a little heavier as he tries to catch his breath]
...Why...
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... Because I love you.
[ She looks at him, cupping his cheek with one hand. ]
I care about you. You're important to me, Dohalim. That's why I refuse to leave. It isn't because of my duty. If it were just that... I would not be here.
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Why do you say that?
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Well. She wants to try. ]
... From the very beginning, you have been nothing but kind to me. You gave me a chance when I felt like I had nothing. You've trusted me to keep you safe. I have not-- I have never been trusted like that.
[ Her brother--he'd trusted her, yes. But not like this. ]
... You make me happy. [ She fights down the urge to hide her face. ] And when I think about the future, you are always there, next to me. Even if I am only your aide, then... it is enough for me. As long as I can stay by your side... I will be happy.
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but he still doesn't pull away. no, he leans in, pressing his forehead against her shoulder, before letting out a shuddering breath. he doesn't deserve any of this. he deserves a life of solitude for what he's done, he deserves to be alone for his transgressions he's committed.
and yet, the thought of being truly, utterly alone terrifies him even more, as he clings to Mira]
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If not-- that's okay, too. ]
I'm here, [ she murmurs, holding him just a little tighter. ]